A Recorded History of the Death of the English Language, Part 1

I’ve become convinced that the English language is dying. Not evolving, as some may be saying, but being brutally murdered on cell phones and message boards all across the globe.

It’s “for” not “4”.

It’s “could have” not “could of”.

It’s “too” not “2”.

It’s “someone” not “sum1”.

I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point clear enough. I have a massive amount of respect for written words; my kind is a rapidly declining breed. Texting and typing have slaughtered both our collective intelligence and our ability to differentiate words. They’re called homophones, people. They’re all spelled differently. Please use the correct word in a given situation, or I will immediately think less of you. It pains me in every sense of the word when I see someone trying to prove their point while using nearly illegible speech. If I have to take an extra few seconds to decipher what you’re saying, then clearly you haven’t put much thought into it and I’m already dismissing your argument on that basis alone. I am often referred to as a grammar Nazi, though I’m not sure why. I don’t correct 99% of the mistakes I see, and the ones I choose to edit are for the sake of education. It’s not a big deal if you can’t spell it. There’s plenty of words I don’t know how to spell.

For instance, I used to constantly misspell “ridiculous” (which I wrote as “rediculous”) and it wasn’t until my cousin corrected me that I realized I was erring. Did I get mad and call her a Nazi? Of course not, that’s preposterous. I listened to her and I haven’t misspelled it since. I learned from being told I was wrong and now I apply that knowledge every time I use that word, and I will continue to do so for the rest of my life. I’m not asking for much here. I’m not saying everyone should know how to diagram sentences properly or pick up a thesaurus just for the sake of learning a new word (though I wouldn’t object). I’m just asking for the proper use of a homophone. Not even a homonym, mind you; that’s a whole other ball game.

For, four, fore.

Their, there, they’re.

To, two, too.

Once you’ve got that down, tackle some harder ones:

Principle, principal.

Capital, capitol.

Complement, compliment.

Or continue living in ignorance and contribute to the destruction of a language through laziness. I know it can be difficult stretching your finger to hit all the letters. I’m sure you’re far too busy playing Atari or braiding your hair, or whatever the hell it is you people do all day. Hey, that’s another one. Hair, hare. See? English is fun! Show it some respect. You can even make it more fun by inserting random profanity if you damn well feel like it.

Meet, meat, mete.

Buy, by, bye.

Damn, dam.

Oh, and try to embrace the beauty of punctuation while you’re at it. Or at the very least, capitalize (not “capitolize”! See, it is fun!) the first word of a sentence and throw a period on the end. Trust me, it goes a long way.

Intro

My name is Nick.  I am an aspiring writer and not much else more.  It has come to my attention that it would be a good idea to start a blog, so I am going to do just that.  Here goes:

I’m not entirely certain what I’m supposed to talk about here, but I suppose it could be just about anything.  Hobbies or interests, movies, games, books…whatever.  I choose to start with a tale.

On January 7th, I self-published a short story on Amazon Kindle entitled “From the Hollow.”  I don’t know how good it is; I’ve yet to get a review on it.  I’ve been whoring myself out on Facebook (much to my chagrin, I might add) in a vain attempt to get friends and family to cough up a dollar for my efforts.  So far, these posts have generated a whopping 16 sales, of which I get 35 cents per unit sold.  Ergo, I have made $5.60.  Not bad, I suppose, unless you take into consideration the fact that Amazon doesn’t pay out unless you reach a  minimum of $10 in royalties, which really means I have made a profit of exactly zero dollars.  Discouraging, yes, but it has only been a week, so a glimmer of hope remains.  I just have to find that hope and reinvigorate it.

My main project has been a book, for which I’ve yet to generate a title.  It takes place in a semi-post-apocalyptic world in which zombies have taken over a vast majority of the human race, but most of the uprising has been quelled, resulting in very few survivors and even fewer zombies.  To date there are only four of the creatures featured in my story, and I have no intention of adding more (though one idea of mine involves there being many more; perhaps some day you’ll see).  Instead of revolving around zombies and physical struggle, it has much more to do with human beings and how they react in extraordinary situations.  I often find myself asking “What would I do in this predicament?” or “How far would I go to protect the ones I love?”  As a result, the main character often asks himself the latter question many times throughout the story, consequentially pushing him beyond his past self-imposed limitations.  It is easier to make hasty decisions without worrying what society thinks, after all.  In a world without a stable society, what are consequences?  Do they even exist anymore?  These are questions I am attempting to answer.  Struggling, as the case may be at times.

I reiterate: perhaps, some day, you’ll see.