Perseverance vs. Desperation

I originally thought up this post last night in regards to human relationships, specifically my own (obviously) and my often sad attempts at chasing after women that have no interest in me.  However, as I typed that title, a new subject burst into my mind.

I decided a few days ago to quit smoking when I ran out of cigarettes, so clearly every topic that comes to mind now reminds me of smoking. Since I had three packs on hand, it took a while to run out, but it finally happened this morning. So I went out for my morning cigarette, savored it, and threw it out. Never again, I told myself. No more smoking, no more buying cigarettes, nothing.

So that’s obviously where perseverance comes in. It’s a strange thing, not smoking anymore. It’s not even that I’m really going through withdrawal. I mean, of course I am, but I expected worse. Instead it’s a matter of…well, what am I supposed to do, then? I finished eating, and now I…don’t go smoke. I went for a walk to the store, and now…my hands are empty. I feel naked, in some strange way. The habit became so natural to me that it was a part of me, much like when I stopped wearing my rings and I couldn’t stop subconsciously rubbing my fingers for weeks afterward.

And then the desperation. Don’t get me wrong, I want one. I want ten. Badly. I’ve been forcing myself to do a combination of jumping jacks, sit-ups, push-ups, squats, lunges, and static holds every time I really wanted to go outside, but now my body is incredibly sore and I can’t do more than about four sit-ups before my stomach dies. I want to just keep eating because if the end of a meal never comes, then I won’t want to smoke. Clearly not the best idea, so instead I went to the store and bought some spring mix, dressing, apples, bananas, and nuts with the intention of eating a bit healthier and not gorging myself on crap every day. Granted, I won’t be strictly eating just this kind of stuff now. I honestly don’t think I have the willpower to handle that much change all at once. Just a meal here and there, a bowl of ramen replaced with a salad – that should do me some good, I think.

I’ve been told the first three days are the most difficult. I wish I had looked at what time I had that last one today. It was probably between 11a-1p, so let’s say it was at noon. That puts me eight hours in, and I am a terribly unpleasant fellow right now.

The strange thing is, I have absolutely no desire to quit. I like it. It gives me breaks from anything ever. It is a permanent excuse for five minutes of alone time, which anyone that knows me knows I am in dire need of when in the company of others. Especially lately. My god, especially lately. But that’s a story for another day, if I feel like telling it.

About Me: Extended Edition

I can’t sleep, as usual. To pass the time, I think I’ll write this entry you’re evidently about to read.
Random facts:
1.) I’ve had insomnia pretty much since birth. I never sleep well, and when I do, it’s typically only for two hours or so at a time. This is both a blessing and a curse, in that sleeping is awesome, but the lack of sleeping provides me with ample free time.
2.) I am from Pittsburgh, but I moved to Georgia four months ago on a whim. I had nothing to do here, no plans to speak of, but I decided one day to leave my home and move in with a friend of mine down here, effectively leaving behind everything I’d ever known. Parts of me regret this decision, but I still firmly believe it was a good choice.
3.) I started writing at a very young age due to my apparent inability to speak. I’m not mute, mind you. I simply cannot spit the words out when I have something of particular importance to say. I’ll sit there, crying, mouth agape, trying as hard as I can, but the words never come.
4.) The earliest thing I remember writing was a poem when I was about 10 or 11. I don’t recall the title or the words, but I do know it centered on a young boy running away from home and killing himself in a random back alley. I proudly showed it to my parents who were, needless to say, less than thrilled. A short time later I was informed that I was suffering from depression and social anxiety, two things I still struggle with to this day. Which brings me to…
5.) Crowds of strangers really freak me out. In my youth, it was almost unbearable being among a random group of people. I couldn’t speak, always felt like I was in the way or interrupting, as if I was watching myself from an outside perspective and pointing out everything I did in a negative light. I’ve gotten much more adaptable these days, but I still feel the familiar pangs of discomfort and often neglect joining in a conversation for fear of interrupting.
6.) Despite all my self-imposed shortcomings, I have been incredibly lucky in life. During my teenage years it seemed like the world was out to get me, everyone hated me, blah blah blah. Looking at my life now, however, reveals something quite jarring: I had it so easy. My parents always loved me, I always had a few close friends that were completely trustworthy, and not to brag or anything, but I am a rather intelligent individual. I could’ve just as easily ended up a dumbass with absolutely nothing in life save for a heroin needle or crack pipe if it wasn’t for the people I was surrounded with.
7.) It is very possible that I suffer from a genetic heart defect, one with is allegedly triggered by smoking, and yet I refuse to quit. I do not remember the name of it, nor do I really care. I may not be as depressed as I was fifteen years ago, but that doesn’t make me happy-go-lucky by any means. I very rarely look forward to what the future may have in store for me, and when I do, that’s just me looking forward to the next Fallout or Metal Gear Solid. I am in no rush to leave this world, but I am rather apathetic about remaining a part of it.
8.) I have three tattoos. One on each arm and one on my chest. Perhaps some day I will post pictures, perhaps not. This can be something you look forward to in your future, though I wouldn’t recommend it.
9.) I love animals much more than 99.9999999% of the human race. All animals, even insects. I do my best not to harm anything while I’m walking around. I am fascinated by spiders and quite enjoy watching them spin their webs. If I find a living creature in my house or bathroom or wherever, I am very likely going to pick it up and put it outside, not down the toilet.
10.) I am very bad at relationships. As stated in the fifth entry, I am incredibly difficult to deal with around people I don’t know. I am shy, awkward, easily intimidated, and often do my best to act like an asshole just to avoid meeting new people. When a girl comes along that I do grow fond of, I am uncertain of how to present myself, most often doing absolutely nothing in the hopes that she will randomly talk to me first. At the time of this post, that has yet to ever occur. You’d think I would know better by now.
That’s enough for now. I hope you all learned something interesting.