Feel Free Not to Read This, I’m Just Whining

Do you think that there is only one person out there for everyone? You know, the one, the love of your life, the person you could never let go. Or do you think there are multiple ideal matches, with no single person ever being perfectly compatible with you?

I’m torn on the subject myself. I like to believe in “the one” but all evidence seems to point to the contrary. The idea of it just sounds so nice in my head. The perfect match, an undying mutual love that never fades. But that’s all bullshit. I can’t even confirm the existence of mutual love. It always seems lopsided, with one person having much stronger feelings than the other, an imbalance that weighs heavily on my shoulders.

I have felt this way in nearly all of my personal relationships, and I look back on all of them with regret. I always get attached unbelievably quickly and then get annoyed or upset when my feelings aren’t matched. In the event that the other person says they feel the same way, I find it impossible to believe them. I do not know why. Perhaps it is inconceivable to me that someone could have the same feelings as I do. Perhaps I deem myself unworthy and insignificant, telling myself that they can and will do better. That is a debilitating fear, constantly being under the impression that you are an inferior human being.

My previous girlfriend and I followed a similar route, though not identical. I was crazy about her from day one, and was shocked to learn of the reciprocation. Then we each moved to different cities and I rapidly felt like I was holding on to the past and strangling her future. The feelings waned as the weeks passed, and I grew more fearful than anything as time went on. It ended eventually, and despite it being my choice, it is yet another moment of regret, though I do still feel it was the right thing to do.

Looking back I can see how incredibly awful I was. She put vast amounts of work into the relationship and I did virtually nothing. If I had tried harder, been more vocal, maybe it wouldn’t have gone this way.

My point is, was she “the one”? Or one of the many possible outcomes? It gets confusing for me here because she is not the only woman I care about. In fact, there are several in my life that I can envision a future with, each of which I see a different outcome with.  One is a happy friendship that lasts forever, each of us comfortable with the way things are. Another is more of an undying, endlessly exciting adventure.

Like I said, I really like the idea of there being a perfect match. But I also hate it, because it brings with it the possibility of completely missing your shot at true happiness at any given moment, even if you don’t realize it. How do I know the girl that was my server the other night wasn’t the right one? Or the girl at the coffee shop? I suppose I’ll never know.

The other part of me wishes there was only one person. Then I could stop searching when I found that one and not waste any more time. Doesn’t matter, though. I’m sure I would’ve just screwed that up anyway.

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