Existence or Lack Thereof

I spend a lot of my time pondering one simple question: if I were to suddenly be the victim of some catastrophic personal event and had only minutes left to live, who would be the one person I would ask for? Who would suddenly become the person so important to me that they are the last face I’d like to see in my life?

I’ve wondered this for years. Some days I go with mom or dad, of course. Others I want to see a friend I recently had a fight with but hadn’t yet apologized to. So what wins out in the end? Family? Unfinished business? Or perhaps nobody at all? It certainly wouldn’t be uncharacteristic of me to avoid human contact.

But then again, who cares? Why does it matter? Five minutes later, I’m dead and gone, no memory of what just happened, leaving behind everything and everyone I knew – including whomever became the most important person to me. I guess in the end, ultimately, nothing matters. But in the here and now, every little detail matters, every decision I make has an impact. I suppose there’s no reason not to make it all worthwhile.

But there’s also no reason to forget that nothing matters. I suppose I’m torn.

This month I turn 27. Next month will be the anniversary of my move to Georgia. What have I accomplished down here?

1.) I pretty much wrote an entire book, decided it sucked, and never looked at it again.

2.) I quit two jobs for almost no reason, and in applying for more work I came to realize that I will never get hired anywhere that isn’t a restaurant.

3.) I’ve found that people generally aren’t as giving as I am. No matter how often I do (or offer to do) things for others, that thoughtfulness is never, ever returned.

4.) I’m strongly considering staying in this bed until I literally rot away. I’m certain nobody will notice until the smell becomes overpowering. Perhaps I should coat myself in lye.